Saturday, October 17, 2009

Death in the Time of Cookies, and other comedies.

I went to a movie last night. Me and some fellow students went to a delicious new movie about roller derby. That's right, W.hip It. It was amazing. I am not a lover of girly movies just because they're girly. I like movies that last in my mind. Ones that say something real. This particular movie was a great example of such. There was some feminist rah rah go women message mixed in, but it was done in a very tasteful way. It did not overpower the story, and the story itself was sweet, and not as altruistic and perfect as most other girly movies. It wasn't good because the main character wins everything shes always dreamed of, manages to do it all, have her cake and eat it, get the perfect boy who makes everything work just right. It was actually perfect because many of those things weren't there, and they weren't necessary. And that made it awesome.

In real life, the occurrences which often make us happiest are not often the ones we were planning. They are the anti-obvious, the strangest, most peculiar endings to the story. This is what gives people the motivation to take chances, open up to new ideas, embrace the world outside the safe zone. It's the knowledge that sometimes the rewards are intense, and well worth it. It is a bizarre experience to know that you feel incredibly pulled in a particular direction when it is in exact opposition to your nature. I, for instance, was certain I would never decide to get married, and was not looking for any kind of relationship. Then at 19, I became friends with my husband through school. One day, while discussing my desire to move (to a different city eleven hours away) with another friend, I mentioned that I knew I would always have DH in my life; I expected that most college friends would eventually fall out of touch. When she looked at me strangely, and asked why I thought that he was different, I was at a complete loss for explanation. I wasn't particularly better friends with him than others within our group, and he was seriously dating someone he had met in high school. There was no romantic intention behind my statement, I just knew that he was a friend... forever.

This tendency to jump in with both feet to strange situations does of course also put us at risk for failure, loss, and brutal rebuff. I think the soul is far more fragile than our physical body- the injuries we receive to our heart and mind will never fully heal. The scars we get when we fall down on our knees are far stronger than the scabs which will always be fresh and bruised on our souls. I have realized that over the years I have lost some people who I counted as desperately close friends, and this loss makes me judge myself more than any other criticisms I have received. I never want to experience this loss again, and I am driven to reflect this commitment through my actions with friends I have now. In that way, sometimes the things which cause us the most sorrow are the experiences which make us the best versions of ourselves. These hurts and losses are what make us feel empathy, allow us to make better decisions in the future, and inspire us to move on.

I'm sure it may be noticeable, but I will say it: I have entered a phase of melancholy. This is not a mood I dread, I am able to moor myself to my deepest truest feelings when I am reflective and a little dour. It's not depression, or unhappiness, but a quiet reserved veil where I see things not in the fun, fast, instant gratification way that I usually do. I think this reflection and evaluation may make me more capable as a human ecologist, as I possess the will and desire to do better, to be more, to fully represent my true personal self. This is an inspired and creative time. I think it's kind of what the government tries to make a person feel with their crazy intense 'join the armed forces' commercials, where everyone looks a bit misty eyed and very patriotic, flags waving in the background. Since I have no intention of feeling passionate about fighting fights I may not agree with, for a government that makes a lot of bad choices, I will use this strange, perceptive, quiet time to watch for some mysterious and beautiful opportunities to act upon.

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